Mama Drama
by Iowan Tribal

The essay below is purely expressed from the point of view of being a mother, since I am firstly born a female and secondly initiated into motherhood later in my life.  For the fathers, babas, and papas that are doing their thang, much love to ya.  Keep up the good work.  For the parents that aren't pulling their weight, you know who you are--and you know better.  So with that said, please read, enjoy, and reflect.

Sometimes a single mama's job can be a thankless and unappreciative role...or seemingly so.  After all the blood, sweat, and tears, after all the sleepless nights dealing with a high grade fever brought on by a reoccurring ear infection, after scrounging for change around the house to buy your child food for the week, the last thing that your challenged and slightly bruised spirit was prepared to hear was, "Daddy's the greatest!"  And of course, the walls of the dam begin to crack because you're wondering, "where's my acknowledgement from my own child, for all the times that I was there when she needed me?"  Where is the credit for all your energy that you pulled from Creator-knows-where to keep a roof over his head, food in her belly, and clothes on his back?  How dare she place her no-show daddy on a pedestal just because, for the first time in three months, he's taking her for one lousy, stinking weekend!

The reality: Children are so grateful for the little time that they get from their nearly-absent father that they're willing to shout their happiness to the high heavens, regardless of how it rubs Mama's bruised ego and raw emotions.  Their thoughts and perceptions are, for the most part, idealistic. Until they are conditioned otherwise, children are innocent dreamers. For them, life is perfect despite all the imperfections around them.

Of course, some fathers live with the thought in the back of their minds that whether they're present or not, they can go about their business with the security that their kids will always be taken care of.  Mamas, for the most part, are nurturers--and no mama in her right mind would like to see her child be without food, clothing or shelter. Despite all her hard work, Peek-a-boo Papa seems to get all the love from the children in Mama's eyes.  And why not-- when he'll do things to compensate for the all the no-shows, like taking the children to the movies or shopping at the mall?  The rules are more relaxed around Peek-a-boo Papa--and check out the cell phone he just gave his teenage daughter!  Hell, being with Papa is like Christmas for the day.

But notice that I said "for the day." Because as the evening draws to a close and the kids' nighttime grumpiness kicks in, they're back with Mama.  No welcome is worn out between Peek-a-boo Papa and the kids--this title of "World's Greatest Dad" hasn't been tarnished by any confrontations or challenges.  But let him be with his darling angels for longer than 12 to 24 hours...better yet, how about for a week or two?  And he will swear that at times they have sprouted horns and have been birthed from the loins of Lucifer himself.

However, just because Mama isn't getting her justly-deserved kudos from her own child does not give her the right to smash his or her dreams (out of the frustration and anger that she feels towards Peek-a-boo Papa) by telling her child how no-good he actually is. No child really wants to hear that--let alone believe that either one of her/his parent is a terrible person.  Because, in reality, that child needs both of his/her parents, regardless of the issues that Mama & Papa have failed to resolve between themselves. Many of these issues probably existed before pregnancy, anyway--overlooked, ignored, denied and unresolved, surfacing to the top to raise its ugly head at a time when you’re still not ready to deal with it.

One of the most damaging things Mama can do to the relationship between her and her children is either argue with or bad-mouth their Papa in front of the children.  This kind of explosive emotional behavior places the children in a precarious position of either choosing one over the other out of loyalty, feeling it is his/her fault that they are at such odds, or hating both parents all together--especially when the children are young and can barely understand the complexities of life in general.  There's nothing wrong with Mama being honest to her children when they're asking about their father or her relationship with their him.  But it's important to speak the truth with as much balance as much as possible. For the most part, children don't really understand the underlying resentment that their mama feel for their papa about all their unresolved issues.  What they do see is Mama holding down the fort and Peek-a-boo Papa is giving all the treats.  Stability and fun.

So Mama, please don't use the truth to shut your child down just because s/he seems to be giving Peek-a-boo Papa more love than you. And don't get pissed when your child wants to give Peek-a-boo Papa love, because that love that s/he is giving him is the love that you showed your child how to give.  And that, damnit, is your acknowledgement. 

How well your children turn out is the validation of your hard work and love.  When your children grow up without drug problems...when your child escapes teenage pregnancy... when your child goes to college...when your children want to crawl up in your bed with you... when your children want to go fishing with you...when your infant child greets you with a big old smile in the morning...when your child wants you to come to his/her school play...when your child is nearly in tears out of gratefulness for the surprise graduation for that you planned...when your teenager tells you, "Don't worry, Mama. You raised me well enough to know better."

Since we as mamas are dealing with handling the day-to-day business of holding down the fort, we can lose sight of the many signs of love that our children give us.  That doesn't make us bad mamas.  We're just caught up in the day-to-day with no one to rub our back or feet when the children are finally asleep.  We get frustrated and a little bitter around the edges. And we're sometimes ready to explode!

But for me as a single mom personally, how well my own son turns out is the big validation for me.  I am working hard to make sure that he has the tools necessary to be a better person and to grow not only from his mistakes, but from his parents' mistakes, as well. So when I feel the world closing in, when I feel frustrated at his father, or when I think that there's nothing the world can offer me to make things the way I always wanted them to be, I grab up my son, run to the bathroom mirror and I say, "Who's that beautiful Mama holding that beautiful Baby Boy?"  And my heart is a whole lot lighter when I see the big Kool-Aid grins that are reflected back at us.  

And that, damnit, is my acknowledgement of being "World's Greatest Mama" in my son's eyes!

Iowan Tribal is a freelance writer, poet and single mama living in Brooklyn.