One Day At a Time
by Iowan Tribal

I had to remember why I was in a relationship with Kevin.  What I mean is that I had to remind myself that I had a voice--to decide not only the direction of our evening together, but the direction of where we were headed as partners in love and crime (we love being together so much that what we do in the bedroom is a crime!).

When he was on his way to spend the night at my place, my first question was, "Are we having sex right away?" Yes, I was excited and happy that we were finally spending some time alone (my toddler son was spending the evening with his father). So quite naturally, I wanted to clean up a bit for our time together.  A nice hot shower, my hair shampooed, etc.  But that was overshadowed with the thought of being intimate as soon as he stepped through the door, whether I was in the mood or not.  For some reason, I began thinking that sex for the evening was the ultimate outcome.

Then the mental fretting got a little deeper after my much-needed shower—should I don the purple, silk, skimpy nightie or comfortable cotton dashiki dress?  Sure, I could go all out dressing for "my man" and all that stuff, but did I want to?  The pressure of what might seem like such a simple thing was actually monumental.

In previous relationships with men (boys in mentality, actually), I was like tofu.  I took on the flavor of whatever my boyfriend at that time wanted me to be, or what I assumed that he wanted me to be.  I didn't want to rock the boat for fear of them breaking up with me (which is, quite honestly, a fear of rejection). Ironically enough, as I scrolled through my list of the men I fooled around with in the past, more than half of them had cheated on me. And the rest? About three of them were flings (with a couple of them being “fool-around-buddies”), I cheated on one guy (and felt extremely low after that...), and one guy broke up our relationship under the pretense of having to concentrate on college--when the truth, which eventually came out much later, was that he didn't feel I was "womanly" enough for him (ouch!). Oh, and one flat-out told me that I no longer held his interest.  Makes for a lot of unresolved issues, doesn't it?

Needless to say, I made plenty of piss-poor choices in the men-boys that I was intimate with.  Can't call it dating.  I didn't know how to "date".  I just jumped right into a relationship with whomever I felt attracted to. In a lot of these choices, I saw whatever potential I believed that they had in them that I obviously didn’t see in myself.  I would go too far out of my way to help them along, sometimes to my own detriment.  I wasn't putting Iowan first.

I believe I finally woke up to this vicious cycle, not so much during my pregnancy, but a couple of months after my son's first birthday.  Unfortunately (and fortunately), my son's father and I are not together.  Unfortunate, because it shattered some of my idealistic thoughts on being a family.  Fortunately, because based on where I currently am mentally and spiritually, I'm glad nearly all of our ties as a couple are now nonexistent.  The only tie that we have is our son and this shared blessing is encouraging us to learn how to be friends.  Friendship was not what we had when we were seeing each other.  To him, I meant less than what I wanted to give.  To me, he meant more than what he was willing to give.  The lack of balls on both of our parts to communicate honestly (because of a greater fear of the "reaction" than for the actual outcome.) only compounded the problem.

But because of all of the emotionally/mentally draining crap that I went through with my son's father during and after my pregnancy, I grew tired of the whole relationship "game".  The only thing you lose by being honest with the person you're involved with is dead weight and pretenses—that is, if you're willing to get past the pain to reap the true blessing.  As simple as it sounds, I've nothing to lose and much to gain.  And if folks bristle and decide not to speak with me because I express honesty, so what?  Life goes on with or without.  It's no longer that deep.

Kevin re-entered my life at this interesting time.  See, he was one of the “fool-around-buddies” from the past.  But what kept him cool with me all this time was that when he broke off our previous relationship, he was honest about the reason why and was less concerned about contemplating what my reaction could be.  Through the years, we've maintained a friendship (at times extremely flirty) that led him to present an offer to me that I openly had the choice of refusing.  And I almost did, because I initially felt that it was going to be another one of those fool-around things and I was tired. Until my good friend Alafia told me, "You should at least go out on a date with him.  You deserve it.  Don't block your blessings."  So Kev & I hung out at a bookstore while waiting for our movie to start (Blade II!  Yeah, baby!) and had a wonderful time just perusing through some science fiction and fantasy literature.  We talked, we joked, and of course the flirting always had a good part in it, as well.  It was fun.  A couple days later, he called me and told me that he didn't want to wait another month to see me again—and we've been hanging ever since.  He actually placed all the control in my hands and with that much power, I had to (and still do) take things one day at time. With that in mind, I had promised myself that I would be honest with how I felt about our relationship.  Most of all, I try not to get ahead of myself.  That's what's been working for me so far.

So as I stood in my bathroom, dripping wet, fretting over what to wear, this is what I remembered.  And that's why I chose the comfort of the dashiki, instead of the pretense of the purple silk nightie.  So even when Kev was at my front door and I answered it with my kerchief on my head and my feet still wet from soaking them for a pedicure I was giving myself, I still got the biggest smile, the strongest hug, and the wettest kiss from him.

Something as simple as choosing what to wear to chill in with your partner in love & crime (along with the reasons why), can either reinforce your self-honesty and why you started a relationship with someone, or it can become the beginning of the end.  The reasons I've decided to be with Kev weren't because of the sex (although there are no complaints on that front).  Sex is not inevitable.  It was because of the communication, the honesty, the compatibility and the fun. It was (and is) something I deserved, and it’s something that we will maintain as long as we continue to exercise our voices.  It’s a work in progress that continues to grow—one day at a time.

Iowan Tribal is a freelance writer, poet and single mama living in Brooklyn.