Underworld Figures
by Vonetta Booker

(XXL magazine, Sept. 1999) When it comes to gifts of lingerie, ignorance is not bliss.

So, you like flossing your honey with the lingerie, huh?  Well, before you roll up into Victoria’s Secret again with your boo in mind and embarrassment a very real possibility, check this:  Though she knows you meant well when you surprised her with that crotchless little something, there are issues to be had over those too-small bras that give the term “cups runneth over” new meaning (and not in a good way).  And no doubt you thought you were the man after presenting her with those leopard-print panties, right?  That is, until they disintegrated into a string-and-elastic mess after the first wash. 

But since it’s all love, help is here.  Before that mental “she would look hot to death in that!” picture drags you to the lingerie section again, there are a few things you need to be aware of.  First of all, know her math—things like bra, dress and panty size, waist/hip measurements and height/weight are key.  Vaguely telling the saleswoman, “Um, well, she’s about your build and bra size…” won’t work (actually, this tactic will probably get you less-than-stellar looks from your girl when she tries the items on).  

Anyway, if you don’t have a clue about her size, a couple of options exist:  You could just straight out ask her—which usually works best in the “if you aim to see my in it, go out and buy it for me” scenario.  But if it’s a surprise gift, a little snooping on the down-low (not downtown, although…) might be in order.  

Be slick about it.  Peep the tags on her bras for the size and style. Pay attention to the brand, because size often varies between manufacturers; one brand’s 36C might be another’s 38C. Hip measurements can often be obtained by the size tags on the panties—and not that panty size is different from dress size.  You can find out her waist size by measuring her pants or skirt from side to side and doubling the result.  Use the measurements while on the hunt, and you should be straight. 

You have questions—like, what if things are brand new between y’all and you haven’t been with her long enough to be going through her shit?  Your best bet is to get her something that comes in a small, medium or large—a simple silk chemise or bustier, for example.  Determining her taste is an important factor, though; a little observation ought to take you there.  

If she’s the laid-back type, something casual might go over nicely.  Both Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren offer simple cotton and Lycra bras, panties and tank tops (in basic colors like gray, white and black) that she can lounge and sip her herbal tea in after she’s had her way with you.  If she has a thing for something a little more luxurious, and embroidered bustier from Victoria’s Secret could be the lick (no pun intended), with its lavish scalloped trim and matching French-cut panties.  Oui-oui. 

Then again, if the two of you gravitate more towards the ill Frederick’s of Hollywood meets Religious Sex-type freaky stuff, you might want to check out Lisa’s Leather Lingerie for goodies such as animal print patent leather teddies and leather-and-chain bras, complete with matching G-strings, of course. 

If you really want to have her bragging to her girls about you (which we do), make sure the presentation is hot.  Don’t just shove the bag at her when you return from the all; be creative, dawg.  Slip the gift in her briefcase with a sexy not before she goes to work.  Or hang the lingerie on a padded hanger next to the dress it’s intended to go with.